This functionality can be achieved using templates. To be able to mimic the command columns behavior, I used ASPxHyperlinks in the column's DataItemTemplate and EditItemTemplate Containers. The HtmlRoewCreated event is used to set the Edit button's NavigateUrl property so that it can start editing a proper row. Also, in this event handler I set the ClientInstanceName property of the Updatebutton. This is done to be able to access the UpdateButton in client code and disable/enable it. This code is implemented in the CellEditorInitialize event handler.
See also
How to enable/disable command buttons on the client side
How to create a custom command button with the appearance and action depending on a row state
How to customize command buttons in individual rows
How to show/hide ASPxGridView custom command buttons using HTML elements
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How to conditionally disable the UpdateButton in client code
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